Please be warned: These details below may be too much for young readers.
Our ' Annual Outing, MN Hot Dish Cook Off ' was an interesting success.
First, I was honored to be selected as a judge for this year's Outing 2010 Hot Dish Cook-off (I was originally just going to get the mail...). What happened was that the original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing at the Post Office, talking with Fran and she said they needed help at the Hot Dish Cook Off. I walked over and evidently was viewed as good enough so they put me to work as one of the judges. I was assured by the other two judges that even though I was inexperienced as a hot dish taster, the hot dishes wouldn't be all that challenging. Besides, they told me, I could have free lemonade during the tasting (and I thought some good old lemonade that afternoon would be good), so I accepted and became Judge #3. Here are the scorecard notes that I was given from our local event with my added comments:
Hot Dish # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER HOT DISH
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild and the moose meat was a surprising touch.
Judge # 3 (me) -- WOW - what was that? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with that stuff. It took me two lemonades to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These locals are crazy.
Hot Dish # 2 - EMILY'S AFTERBURNER HOT DISH
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of porcupine. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers or some possum to balance the taste and to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 (yep, me) -- Keep this stuff out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more lemonade when they saw the look on my face.
Hot Dish # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN HOT DISH
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse hot dish. Great kick, would even make a great chili.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers (was that skunk meat?).
Judge # 3 (me) -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been forced to sniff Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more lemonade before I ignite. Luckily someone pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest and I'm starting to get a little goofy and my face is puckering up from all of the lemonade I'm drinking.
Hot Dish # 4 - BILLY'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean hot dish with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. May be better as a good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a hot dish.
Judge # 3 (me) -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? (and please don't tell me there is more to taste).
Hot Dish # 5 - LENA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Using shredded snapping turtle meat, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I accidentally passed gas and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her hot dish had given me brain damage. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off and it really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Hot Dish # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety hot dish. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 (me still but who knows for how long) -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I soiled myself when I passed gas (again) and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me any more and I can't feel my lips anymore.
Hot Dish # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION HOT DISH
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre hot dish with too much reliance on canned peppers and bear meat.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is having trouble controlling his body (he should not be a judge next year).
Judge # 3 (this could be the last you hear from me...) -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with hot dish, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach and will pray that I will survive the day.
Hot Dish # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING HOT DISH
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blended hot dish. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced hot dish. Neither mild nor hot (I think there is some rabbit in this). Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed gas again, passed out, fell over and pulled the hot dish pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he would react to the spicy hot dish contest that is planned for next month?
Judge # 3 - No Report (it appears I had passed out).
And last of all, although I was disappointed that Mom did not enter her Chipmunk Hot Dish - I think she would have won (my goal is for her to enter the contest next year). Unfortunately it now appears all the problems I had, resulted in the cancellation of future Hot Dish events in Outing.
Thanks for reading the above recap of history - signing off with prayers and best wishes for everyone (and please don't laugh at me in public, just know that God wants us to have a chuckle now and then).