(and don't forget to keep those you know in your prayers - they need them)
Dear Kids... You're old Dad had to learn the hard way - don't do what I did.
Last weekend I saw something at Emily Gun Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was for the upcoming Mother's Day holiday and I was looking for a little something extra for Mom. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing Mom adequate time to retreat to safety.
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries into it and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however (good old instructions), that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Mom what that burn spot is on the face of our microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my chair and reading the directions for next steps and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target (must be a guy thing). I must admit I thought about zapping a deer or a squirrel for a fraction of a second and thought better of it (remember my deer story?). No way I'd get close to one of those but, if I was going to give this thing to Mom to protect herself against a mugger or some sort of trouble, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong? So, with directions in one hand, and the taser in another. I continued reading. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 ' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my forearm, pushed the button, and . . . OH MY GOSH, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ... WHAT HAPPENED?
I'm pretty sure 300 lb monster man ran in through the back door, picked me up out of the recliner, then body slammed me to the floor, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, my brain on fire, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. THAT HURT LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 3 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, and both legs were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair and I'm still looking for the feeling in my body to return.
So learn from my mistake! Love Dad
P. S. If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.